A FACEBOOK "FRIEND" HAS BEEN MOCKING ME...

for posting hearts and doting messages on baby elephant links.
Well, I can't help it. I never saw a baby elephant I didn't
like. They are sweet darlings. I also like when the whole
village turns out and with saintlike cooperation and heroic
labor pull the little things out of some dire situation
they've gotten themselves into. Meanwhile, "Friend" has been
posting tiresome pictures of a Bentley her grandmother owned
about a million years ago. Big whoop. I'm SO impressed. It's
a dang car, it goes from A to B. I COULD remind her of her
Gogol ("The carriages of the past will take you nowhere")
but I'm far too much of a lady.

"HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"

LET'S SAY THAT ON A GORGEOUS FLOWERY LATE SUMMER DAY
you're browsing in the bookstore, and sneering at a
vintage bestselling self-help book:
HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Corny and shallow,
right? Except you read some of it, and embarrassing
to say, it makes a lot of sense about
things that happened long ago with a certain kid
during student days. At the time, you didn't under-
stand. But now, the ceiling gently parts and reveals
a huge blue firmament bulging with suns and moons and
an angel with a trumpet, tooting:
"HE JUST WASN'T THAT INTO YOU."

Some puzzling events of decades back unfold in
golden light. It wasn't because you should have been
more glamorous, smarter, more mysterious,
had longer legs, hilarious repartee. You were good
the way you were. The lad just wasn't that into you.

Some of the young have such stubborn faith in their
own powers of enchantment. The object of desire
could come shimmying up to such a girl
singing Dylan's "It Ain't Me, Babe" every time they
meet, and she would STILL not believe it.
Believe it, babe. He's not serious.

"What? Not smitten senseless over me?" Yes. Not you.

Student days. It happens.

Now, time to amble out to the flower stalls and put
together an enormous bouquet, then hunt down
the best cappuccino.

SPOILED AMERICAN WOMAN

TODAY I LEARNED I"M A SPOILED AMERICAN WOMAN. I'd always
thought vaguely that I'm a socialist, sort of, although
others said no real socialist would be so fussy about
coffee. But I admitted a bourgeoise weakness for the old
vintage Coach handbags. These are the cool kind where
you can see the mark the bull made on his hide when he
scratched against a shagbark oak.

Today I was trolling eBay, because sometimes bored rich
ladies sell their barely used castoff handbags for a
good price. I spotted a wine red Coach beauty with a
lovely patina. I studied the pictures, nose to screen,
and suddenly screamed aloud in horror.

"NO SLIP POCKET IN BACK?? Just what the HELL am I
supposed to do, lift a damn flap every time I want to
put my sunglasses away? What...the...F**K!"

So, it's definite. Not a socialist. Instead, a Spoiled
American Woman. I'm really embarrassed by this,
but what can I say? I like slip pockets.

(signed) ABASHED

DEFANGING THE VAMPIRE BULLY

"Never allow yourself to be bullied into silence. Never allow
yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life.
Define yourself."
HARVEY FIERSTEIN, writer

"A bully is a big a.hole with a little bit of man attached."
Mickey Rourke, actor

"I was the kid who used to get shoved into lockers by school bullies.
Because of that, I have never felt like a star in my life."
WINONA RYDER, actor

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to open it just for me and Robin."
(Mike Tyson's then-wife.) "When we got to the gorilla cage, there
was a big silverback gorilla there just bullying the other gorillas.
They were so powerful, but their eyes were like an innocent infant.
I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage door and let me
smash the silverback right in the snotbox. He declined."
MIKE TYSON, boxer

"He seemed to delight in his ability to frighten me...a bully is an
emotionally retarded vampire. He is not entitled to your blood."
MARLENA DE BLASI, writer

"Stalking is bullying. One of the hardest jobs a cop will ever face
is getting it through the head of a real sleazebag that he can't
dog, follow, threaten, defame, or otherwise torment a woman he
wants, who won't have anything to do with him. Quite often he's
married to somebody else, or got a girlfriend. He'll lie to them
about what he's doing, lie to his own mom.
It's not rocket science, ladies. Is he following somebody around?
Trying to access her email, Facebook account? Maybe spreading
nasty stories? And she's made it clear she despises his guts?
The guy is a liar and a creep. He thinks we don't know about him?
We know. And we don't forget."
A POLICEWOMAN

"All bullying should be met by steel."
GYPSY SAYING

"When I was six years old, I went and complained to my Mom
because I was being punched around by kids. She gave me some
of the best advice I've ever had. She said, 'If someone is pushing
you around, find a way to drop something very heavy on his head.'
To this day, I find a way. Worked then, works now."
JOHNNY DEPP, actor

"I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid-a-hand-on.
I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same
from them."
JOHN WAYNE, actor.

John Wayne always said that this last quote, from his movie
THE SHOOTIST, expressed his own ideas of human dignity and strength,
and the way people should treat each other. I think he was right.