Tuesday, June 28, 2011


At first I had to force myself to do these ME!ME!ME! posts. I had to overcome my natural modesty and flower-like delicacy of temperament to blab away about Margaret. But, strangely, it was a lot more fun the second time; and now I can hardly shut up about myself. Talk about Margaret, you say? YAY, WHEE AND WHOOP-DE-DO!!

As before, the format will be question-and-answer. It seems to me that my interviewer was quite a diva this time, but you must judge for yourself.

Q: Hey Margaret, let's begin on a high note! What was your most recent heavenly experience?

M: Biking through a forest when the black locust trees were blossoming. The scent is my favorite one in nature. It's sweet, and warm spirals of fragrance drift out tenderly from the trees.....you get to bike through it and live in it.

Q: What has made you smile recently?

M: Maybe it would take another pet owner, a Dog Person, to appreciate this story. It's definitely gamey, but I can't help it. I was walking my sheltie Rosie yesterday. She has the peculiarity that she won't stand still and take a nice neat dump like other dogs. She just keeps walking. So I trot after her like a dummy with my Baggie, wanting to be a good citizen, and trying to locate her offerings, which are all over the map. Yesterday we walked through a field and she started spewing forth. I frantically stuffed the Baggie with what looked like the real thing, until I took a closer look and saw that I was carefully storing little brown mushrooms. I had to smile.

(Q, a cat owner, cackles with glee) Sorry, excuse me, but it just kills me when I see you dog owners scurrying around so earnestly clutching your bags of dog s--t!

M: Well, f---k you! (The interviewer and I have known each other for a very long time.)

Q: Now, now, behave. What was your most recent experience of really good eatin'?

M: A thick slice of country-cured ham, glazed with orange juice and brown mustard and honey, roasted to a turn...ummm ummm. And with it a glass of Pinot Grigio, glinting with fruit...oh, and a slice of chocolate cherry cake, dense and moist, enrobed in shiny dark chocolate frosting. I couldn't even talk normally while I was eating it. I spoke in sighs.

Q: I hope you're aware that Gluttony is one of the Seven Deadly Sins---

M: Are you going to make me swear at you again?

Q: Speaking of sinners, who are your least favorite types?

M: Bullies and liars. Oh, and Peeping Toms must be pretty sick freaks.

Q: Do you believe that, in the end, truth and justice prevail?

M: Yes, I do. I believe this saying: 'The mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly small.'

Q: I agree with you. Now let's talk about movies. It's well known that you adore Japanese films, including those that some people might consider a little...just slightly...well, morbid. So tell me about one that's all upbeat and sparkly, maybe with some romance--

M: There's this movie called THE SAMURAI I LOVED, which is great. There's one romantic scene which I think you'd really enjoy. What's happened is that a noble samurai has been forced to commit hari-kari by his corrupt lord. His young son has to collect the body, and carry it home on a tragic little cart. As he's making this sad trip he's shunned and spat on by cruel villagers. He reaches this high hill, and he just can't get the cart up it. The corpse keeps sliding around and the hill is too steep.

"The poor son is in despair, when suddenly through the forest branches he sees the girl he loves running toward him. She's been ordered to shun him, so she's risking everything to help him. She helps him push the cart up the hill, although the cadaver's feet are practically dangling in her face, and because of her, he's able to bring his father home. Isn't that a beautiful moment?

Q: Well, it's, umm...it's very, err.....yeah, that one sounds special, I'm sure I'd enjoy it a lot. (Makes vomiting motion when she thinks I'm not looking.) Can you think of some romantic scene where nobody dies?

M: (Carelessly) Well, I guess that would have to be an American film...In the movie GREEN CARD, with Gerard Depardieu and Andie MacDowell, there's the world's best kiss at the end. It's just magnificent. He's built sort of like a human polar bear, and she looks like a fairy princess, but they have fantastic chemistry and the kiss is so intense they almost go up in flames.

Q: Nice! Now, that is the type of romantic movie scene I like, the kind without a death cart! To move on, What is a de-stresser for you? What do you do to relax?

M: Oh Jeeze, this makes me sound like such a peasant...but I like to scrub my kitchen for a few minutes in the morning, while the coffee is brewing. While this rich dark fragrance is filling the air. The cleanser has bleach in it, and very slowly and beautifully, day by day, the walls and cabinets are becoming more pale and fair. It's sort of like an ongoing art installation. I have curtains and dish towels with rich red flowers on them...

Q: I'm sorry I have to ask, but when did you notice this fetish for stroking walls?

M: I think of it more as the kind of Zen exercise Mr. Miyagi taught Ralph Macchio in THE KARATE KID. You learn balance and tranquility as you scrub, and it develops strong arm muscles.

Q: I'm still trying to recover from the romantic cart-pushing scene in that hari-kari movie. Tell me a joke!

M: My friend Evelyn, whom I was very fond of, had a favorite joke. The joke is really short and very subversive, and probably goes back to Adam and Eve. You have to picture a meadow. A macho jack rabbit is putting the moves on his rabbit girlfriend. 'This is going to be GREAT,' he boasts, 'wasn't it?' Women always laugh very hard at this joke, males somewhat less so.

Q: (Laughing hard) I like that one! Thanks for the interview. And I'm wondering, do you happen to have a copy of that GREEN CARD movie with the fabulous kiss...?

M: Actually I don't, but I have an excellent Director's Cut DVD of THE SAMURAI I LOVED, it has wonderful extras like longer versions of the Suicide and the Death Cart scenes, in fact we could watch it right now!

Q (Hastily gathering her belongings) Oh dear, I'm devastated to have to pass up this treat, but I need to rush home and cut my cat's toenails. Have a great day! See you soon!


  1. Any time you need to de-stress, I've got a kitchen for you!

  2. You are wacky and weird in the nicest of ways, this has just slayed me! If it's any comfort, I've scraped the odd pebble from the beach before, mistaking it for dog-poo (in defense, Golden Retriever's do drop a huge elephant-load of shit when they decide to dump).

    Wonderful post!

  3. The smilin' and Eatin' made me smile and hungry. Yes, in that order.

  4. Mrs. A -- I'll keep your offer in mind! :^)

    Shrinky -- Glad to hear I'm "wacky and weird in the nicest of ways!" Yes, Golden Retrievers must do huge dumps. I've noticed that here,on walks, Goldy owners carry along the big lilac plastic bags in which our huge Sunday Edition newspaper is delivered. A Baggie will do for my sheltie Rosie, that is if I can locate the dog-poo as she dances along.

  5. Copyboy--Yes, there's nothing like a nice slice of roasted hog to make a person beam. I'm smilin' as I'm eatin' !

  6. hahahahahahaha...ha....ha...ummm, uh...errr.... thanks...good one!

  7. mythopolis--I'm wondering if you're laughing at my friend Evelyn's iconic jackrabbit joke, or are you laughing at my post in general? Oh well---glad you enjoyed it, either way!

  8. No, I don't even know who Evelyn is, I was just responding to your wonderful writing. I was chuckling as in a zen moment.

  9. Whew, what a relief! For a moment I thought you were laughing AT me and not WITH me. But that would be impossible, riht? :^)