Wednesday, February 12, 2014

"MAXIMUS, I Want To Have Your Baby!"

We've all seen GLADIATOR, right? When you think about it, why wasn't Maximus Decimus Meridius simply chosen to be the baby-daddy of the whole world? He was a Spaniard living in Rome (hybrid vigor), could carry about 75 lbs. of fetish-y steel armor and leather with ease, kicked up a heck of a fuss in the Coliseum (energy, joie de vivre), had Alpha Hunk written all over him but had his soulful moments too, and even his furs looked noble. By contrast we have the Roman emperor Commodus (see picture), who warmed up by murdering his father--which was tradition among aristocrats of the time--but went hogwild after that, and wanted to marry all the close relatives he didn't assassinate. The photo above shows Commodus in one of his HAPPY moments. In my opinion he might possibly qualify, at a stretch, as Funny Uncle. But Baby-Daddy? No. A reader has asked me if Commodus and Maximus were the only two choices . 180 A.D., maybe.


  1. I would go for Lucius Vorenus or Titus Pullo before Maximus.

  2. Okay, let's look at this at bit closer...
    Maximus was really rocking those furs and his ability to "carry about 75 lbs. of fetish-y steel armor and leather..." may have said a lot. His men adored him and we really never did see him with a love interest. Although, Cicero (Tommy Flanagan) seemed unusually devoted. I'm not judging, I'm just saying....

  3. Professor--Lucius and Titus had their points, but were they smoking hot in 180 A.D. terms? Case closed!

  4. Pat Tillett--I admit we'll never know what happened on all those foreign war campaigns ("What happens in Germanicus stays in Germanicus"), and I suppose some people might bring up Maximus being penned in close quarters with all the other greased-up gladiators.
    We'll never know, accept it!